this is pain. and this pain never stops.

missing them in never going to stop hurting.
it might be in the back of your mind, you might even forget about it for a while, but it will always be there.  it’ll hit you when you’re least expecting it.
that’s the worst part of it, ya know?
the pain comes out of the blue.  you’ll be sitting, drinking a cup of tea at three in the afternoon and you’ll remember how they took their coffee with no sugar.  you’ll remember how their hair used to stick up all over the place because they would forget to brush it.  you’ll remember how they use to laugh so hard they would almost have tears running races down their flushed cheeks.
but these are good memories, right? this is how you want to remember them.

Next minute you’re doubled over, clutching your stomach and silently screaming to release the pain that’s tearing into your heart.  muffled tears and crescent shaped scars on your palms where you clenched your fingers so hard to stop yourself from feeling the knives in your stomach, in your back, in your heart.

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write.

love thoughts pt. i

1. Let’s take a shower together with the lights off. Let’s leave our insecurities in the brightness.

2. I like the way you look at me when you’re laughing. I like the way you know it’s my favorite sound.

3. Let me wear your sweater. Let me sit in your bed and listen to you tell me about how you were as a kid.

4. I like the way you talk about all the people before me like they didn’t come close. I like the way you make me feel like I’m the only one who has ever had a chance.

5. I know forever is a shot in the dark, and love is fleeting and people are cynical and sometimes shit happens, but listen. I want to be that one shot in the dark. I want it to be us in the end. I want to be the story people tell in thirty years because no one fucking believed that we’d make it.

I’m lost, trying to be found

I’ve been feeling very poorly about myself lately. I know it’s the depression creeping back in, making me feel as if my family doesn’t care for me, and G is probably annoyed with all the time we spend together. I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt as if the nights just drag on, because I’m just a boring person that no one would really choose to be with.

Because I keep having ridiculously vivid, shitty dreams, I’ve had a knot in my stomach for 79 hours that kept me from eating. Every time I tried, I threw up. Finally, I was hungry. Except when I went to get some fries from Ronald’s (because I deserved them) they were closed. So did I really deserve to eat? Was this a sign from the universe that I should just give up?

Yes. I did. And no I shouldn’t.

I’m sure this feeling will pass, as all things do, but until then, I’ll spend my nights crying myself to sleep and my days waking up angry.

you didn’t even have to explain

You kissed me like you planned on doing it again
but you tasted like the kind of person who doesn’t know how to stay

and I think I could tell what you were thinking the moment you fell asleep that night
I remember waking up so god damn early that morning and I spent hours while you were asleep hopingprayingwishing that you’d wake up and smile at me the way I needed you to

But something cracked and changed
whoever you were before that night didn’t stay
the moment you woke up that morning
you looked away

I guess what I’m trying to explain
is that people like you break hearts
and never know how to mean what you say
you act like you’re in it for the long haul and then it’s “oh God can’t we just stay friends?”
but I mean Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, friends don’t look at each other the way we did when we slept in each other’s beds

so it’s not you and me anymore you know
it’s you me and everything we don’t know how to say to each other

so we hold it together in the way we never touch;
we hold it together in the way we stay
just friends.
if staying friends means seeing each other in familiar places and laughing and smiling like you didn’t tear this to pieces

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

wholeheartedly. selflessly. beautifully.

and so, i loved you. wholeheartedly, selflessly, beautifully.
it was the kind of love that was in your bloodstream, in your bones, the kind of love you couldn’t wash out of your hair no matter how hard you tried.
i think that was my first mistake, you know?  giving my all to someone who gave me not even half of themselves.  i thought, for a while, that we were in this together.  that we were both in it with our fists up and our throats raw from yelling at the stars, but when i looked around, you were sound asleep and my throat was bleeding.
i bled for you.
i’ve always been there the instant you needed me.
and so here i am, trying to love myself.  wholeheartedly, selfishly, beautifully.
i am going to give myself that vein deep kind of love, the love you never bothered to even try to give me.  i bet you never thought i’d leave, right? you always thought i’d be there for you to string around like a toy, right?  thought i’d never run out of chances to give you, right?
well, here’s to never leaving and giving all the chances i used to give you, to myself.

– excerpt from a book i’ll never write


today I was feeling a little overwhelmed by everything I needed to do for university.  I am taking the same amount of hours as last semester, and the course load seemed like it would be lighter.
I wrote down every assignment due from now until the end of the semester on my calendar. and then I stared at my calendar rather than doing the work.  I didn’t know where to begin.  I couldn’t do it.

G asked me why I was so grumpy and upset today, and I told him, “I was so excited to start school, and now I’m just ready to die.”
while he couldn’t help me fix anything, he just hugged me, and that’s exactly what I needed.
I later went to do the work, and it turns out, it’s not actually hard.  It’s just time consuming.  in the past, I would have given up completely, not even attempting to do the course load, but I didn’t.  Okay, so I avoided the work until I felt ready, but I didn’t give up.
I didn’t stop going to class, ignoring my teachers emails, or failing the courses.

i’ve grown and i’m still growing.
i have a wonderful, understanding, phenomenal support system and i cannot wait for the future.