It’s been a while, and I’m sorry that I’ve disappeared on you.
I have had good days, and bad days, and today seems to be the worst of all.
I have a terrible family.
Let me rephrase that, I have terrible siblings.
I have two wonderful, perfect, incredible parents, and three of the worst sisters, and a brother that I have disowned. I have one sister that is actually one of my best friends, and she lives in Boston.
I have a large, catholic family with my oldest sister twenty-one years older than I am. She has ruined her body and health, had a child, lost a child, had two major heart surgeries, an eating disorder, alcoholism, and arrested development all before age forty-five. We’ll call her S.
So S has come down to our parents house, where I currently reside as an unemployed, undergraduate student, and I am writing a paper. I absent minded-ly sing “who wants to help write this paper” and she starts talking about how she has done more papers than I have when she was in college. S’s major was theater and radio talk show. My major was Pre-pharmacy, where we have had to write papers for class every day. Literally every day. I have also spent a year writing papers for my recently ex-boss. I know for a fact I have written more papers than she has, so I say this. S decides to poke fun at me for not having a degree if I have “written so many papers”.
Mother has taken her side, I have told S to go fuck herself, and I have been reprimanded, of course.
I am sick of where I am in life, I cry multiple times a day, go to therapy every week, and have been on a multitude of medications for my depression and anxiety since being diagnosed. I don’t need a forty-three year old telling me I’m a failure. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I already know.
Something that really sucks, is the constant lies your depression tells you. I have spent every day trying to convince myself otherwise, but to no avail.
My depression has me convinced that I:
– am a burden to everyone around me
– am weak for taking my medicine
– don’t deserve to be happy and healthy
– am letting everyone down
– am lazy
– have done this to myself
Am I? Have I?
No, of course not. I know I haven’t, and I am not. I am at a sucky place in life, trying to get everything together, trying to stay happy and healthy, trying to be something better.
Knowing these are lies doesn’t make me believe them any less, and having my sister around telling me that I should have a degree by now doesn’t make me feel any less suicidal.
I am tired, and I am worn down, and I am sad, and I am trying.
My mother has told me I can do anything. Now, that doesn’t mean I can do everything, and that’s okay. I realize this, and I am okay, but it just stinks.
It’s days like this that I am too worn and sad to survive. I won’t apologize for who I am, and you should never feel like you need to, but sometimes you need to take a step back.
Side note: when I am this sad and distraught, I listen to Look What They’ve Done to My Song, and it’s sad and perfect, and helpful.
Sorry for the long post of nothing, folks!