do my dark under-eye circles and unwashed hair turn you on?

My life has been hectic since obtaining employment at a daycare.
I truly did love my job, working with children and playing with them outside all day? Yes please.  At the same time, the whole point of me moving back home and living with my parents was so that I wouldn’t have to worry about jobs or rent, and focus on my classes.  I worked over forty hours every week, and barely had time to study for the quizzes, so sadly, last week I quit my job and began working towards acing all my classes.

The entire weight of child society in my town was lifted from my shoulders.

This was an immense relief, but still broke my heart.  The children I worked with took their tiny, creepy little fingers and attached them directly to my cardiac muscle fibers, and remain still.  As do the dark under-eye circles.  As far as the unwashed hair, that’s because I just dyed it and it needs a little break from the demanding hair routine of me.

I am now an unemployed 23 year old that lives at home with her parents, going to the community college to save money, and living in her old hometown that she swore she would never come back to.  At first, I was so embarrassed, but now I really don’t give a fuck.  Being embarrassed because I’m doing what works for me, is nothing to be ashamed of.  I am healthy, happy, and mentally okay.  This is what life is about, and I’m enjoying it, to say the least.  I have the ability to get my associate’s degree by next May, start working on my bachelor’s degree by August, and later work on my Master’s.
This is all through the community college near my hometown.  They work with UMSL, and I get to use the satellite campus and obtain a degree from a public college, that’s more prestigious than the community college.
So moving back home, living with my support system, allowing myself to slow down and breathe, this is what works for me.


To Be Free

2016 has been a year of movement for me.
A year of learning to let go.  
Why is it, that I seemed to be a spectator of my own life?  My body was going through the motions while my mind and my heart were sitting in this indescribable limbo, guarded by stone walls and masochistic thoughts.  I lacked connection with everything and everyone around me.  I’ve come to the conclusion it was due to the fear of disappointment, the fear of failure, the fear of everyone leaving, the fear of losing everything I loved.
My over-analyzation and the self-doubt would constantly eat away at my soul, only to leave an endless void.
A constant numbness.  An endless sadness.  
I would do this subconsciously, never knowing that the one thing preventing myself from happiness was not anyone, or anything around me, but everything inside of me.  And to finally realize this is to realize it’s time I pick myself up.

So, this year has been a year of movement. It’s been a difficult and slow process; and by no means finished.  The process of letting go of the things that have kept me emotionally isolated for so many years is a constant battle within myself and  I am finally allowing myself to live in the here and now, to live in the moment, and to take in everything that life will give me.  I want the pleasure and the pain, the joy and the sadness.  I want to open up my chest and let the sun shine in.  I want to really understand what it feels like to love someone.  I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.  I want to be able to say how I feel, always.  I want to be myself, and be okay with it.
I want to be free.

You are a victim of the rules you live by.
Be Free.

i constantly look sleep deprived

A few weeks ago, I posted about a terrible time I had with my sister, my family, and some depression.
I am a twenty something student, getting my life back on track after a series of unfortunate events.
I haven’t updated in a while, and that’s due to my constant working.
I truly believe myself to be in a good place, and I’m happy.  I do constantly look sleep deprived, and that’s because I have a new job!  I work at a daycare in my town, I’m taking summer classes, and I even have my fall schedule booked and ready to go.

For the first time in a very long time, I am happy.  I feel like everything is going my way, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I am refreshed, I am ready for school, and I am honestly just happy.  I have my good days and my bad days.

The job at the daycare takes up most of my time, sadly, and I know I’ll have to find something new to do once schooling starts up.  I can’t work forty hours a week and still be a successful student taking sixteen hours, I truly won’t be able to do it.  I’ve tried before, and that ended up with me being hospitalized.  (yes, there were some other factors, but again, it was due to me stretching myself too thin among my responsibilities.)

I finally understand that it’s okay to be selfish and think about me for a while.  I don’t like saying, “no” or disappointing others, but I realize that I have a lot going for me, and I can’t throw it away just to make someone happy for a few hours.
I have a lot to offer the world, and I want to make sure I do what I can to succeed.
I am very excited about this whole college thing though.  I feel like I’m freshly 18 again, moving to college for the first time.  Obviously, I live at home with my parents, which is nothing to be embarrassed about.
When I first moved back, I was embarrassed, secretive, and just down right ashamed. (more to come about that later, as it’s a long story.)
I am content with where I am.  I am focusing on myself, I am taking care of myself, and I am truly healthy for the first time in a while.  I am healthy, mentally and physically.
I am ready to embark on this new adventure, and I’ll try to keep you lovelies updated as it goes.

As for now, I have to go to sleep.  I have to be awake and ready to take care of lil beebs for twelve hours tomorrow, in less than six hours.
Goodnight my lovelies, I hope you’re all doing well.