the world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold

The curves of your lips rewrite history.

Each day that I enjoy my Skills and Theories in Practice, the more I find myself relating to Gwendolen Fairfax in the way that “I never change, except in my affections.”
I am so fickle, and wishy washy, and constantly contradictory.  The more I enjoy my course, the more journal entries I write for it, the more I find myself.
So maybe I don’t know who I am, but I also know who I’m not.
Maybe I don’t know what I want, but I also know what I don’t want.
Maybe “I never change, except in my affections.”
Maybe this whimsical contradiction allows me to feel as if I have constancy, while hiding any cynicism of self-doubt.
Maybe, if it is reduced to being straightforward, well.. relationships, social status, money as a means of personal worth, are all shams.

I am always reading something, and recently I have started to read more of Oscar Wilde. He will always hold such a large place in my heart, for his way with words, his expressions, his.. everything.  He was such an incredible writer, and he has such a phenomenal ability to incorporate fantasy and realism into his works.
While reading The Importance of Being Ernest I found myself perplexed by the quote, “I don’t really see anything romantic in proposing.  It is very romantic to be in love.  But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal…”

If proposing to someone you love isn’t romantic, what the hell is?
Is love lost to the world of millennials and their text messaging and their twitter-twatting and their Facebook-ing?  Of course it is, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.

Isn’t that everyone’s dream?  To be so madly in love that you’re to be married?
Doesn’t every girl want flowers? And every boy wants to marry his “best friend”?
Don’t you want to be with someone that you fight like an old married couple with?

really? Really? REALLY? 
Like.. that’s what you really want in a relationship?
Because Gross.
Now, will my thoughts on this change? Probably not, but they may.
But as of right now, I would rather listen to myself being punched in the face than date someone I bicker with constantly like we’re an old married couple.
I would rather be murdered by someone slicing my Achilles tendon and throwing me under my car than date my best friend.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my best friend.
We are soulmates.
We bring out the best in each other.
We use our inner worst to have the best inside jokes.
We like the same books, authors, tv shows, etc.
We just get each other.
And we get on so well, it’s hard to imagine a life without them.
But that’s just it.  We are soulmates.
but soulmates don’t always have to exist romantically.
Soulmates can be your “significant other”.
or they can be your friend.
or your siblings.
or your parents.
or your teacher.
or someone you’re dating.
or just about anyone you’ve ever interacted with.
That is how soulmates work.

Now hear me out, I don’t want to date my best friend.
Or fight like an old married couple.
By all means, fight for what you are passionate about, please.
But if that’s where you think I’ll fight you, you’re wrong.
I will listen to you rant for hours, expressing your hate for Monsanto/Section 8 Housing/Betsy DeVos/Whatever it is that you ache for.
I want to date someone that will grow and learn, with or without me.
Someone to surprise me constantly because I’ll never stop learning about them.
I don’t want someone to like the same things as I do.
I don’t even want someone to like the same hockey team as I do.
I want someone that hates the way I sing what I’m doing sometimes, or gets annoyed that I eat the entire bag of carrots and pass out for two hours.
I want someone who appreciates their alone time as much as they appreciate our time together.
I want someone that doesn’t expect me to change, but knows that I will, because I’m constantly growing and changing and learning who I am.
I don’t want someone that thinks expect them to change.
I don’t want a fan.
I want someone that knows I’m the furthest thing from perfect, and that I’m constantly wrong or needy or annoying and that I’m definitely obnoxious.
I want someone that will be super annoyed with me because I ask for ice cream at 3.00AM and when they bring it back, I’m still singing that one baby song from Phineas and Ferb that you can never get out of your head no matter how hard you try, because I’m okay with that.
I know that they’re going to have shitty qualities that could make me pull my hair out, but I would never ask them to change. That’s not how it works.
You can change people, but it will never be in the way that you wanted, and if you give them a chance, you’ll realise they’ve exceeded any and all expectations you could have ever had for them in the first place.

And to be completely real, the more I read this, the more it sounds like I might want to date someone that will fight like an old married couple with me, but I really don’t.
I don’t want to fight over the last time we had soup, or if Tiffany wore the same green jacket as the day before.  I just want someone that will be honest, for me, and for them.
I don’t want to bicker over trivial things.
I don’t want to date my best friend because when I think about dating someone like the girl I was previously best friends with, well..
That was perfection for her, and to be completely honest, hell for me.
We stopped being friends because I was the only one putting forth the effort.
I did everything I could to keep the friendship alive, and it still wasn’t enough.
The things we talked about, the way she treated me, the amount of times she took advantage of me, because she knew I would do anything and everything to make sure she was happy?  Yeah, that’s what I think of when someone says they’re dating their best friend.
My parents are not each other’s best friend.
My sister is not married to her best friend.
My other sister is not dating her best friend.
And they all seem pretty damn happy.
The point isn’t to date someone who likes all the exact same things as you, but to date somebody who isn’t a COMPLETE FUCK and won’t mock you or your interests just because you don’t share them.

And on that note, I will end this completely unnecessary rant by saying that while I am re-reading the Picture of Dorian Grey, like every book I read, I have learned a few things.  I have learned that we have an image of ourselves which we try to preserve, but it is our actions, that define us. To look one way and act another is crippling. I think there is a meaning of not pretending, not to be a hedonist, to not follow others so blindly.

so even if you’ve forgotten who you are, you could at least try to remember what you mean; and who you mean it to.


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