it won’t be me.

do you remember our first conversation?
It was a warm summer night, and the lights turned your eyes from red to blue to green, and I remember thinking, “wow, I have never seen anything so lovely” and I was quickly proved wrong when you smiled at me.  At first, we were shy and laughter and bad jokes.  Being with you was like turning the light on and finally seeing for the first time.
It was fresh paint against a blank canvas and constantly being on top of the world.
We didn’t have much time to begin with, and I knew your mind was set on leaving even before we met.  And still, if somebody asked me today how I could let you walk out of my life, I’ll reply that honestly, I never intended for you to stay.
Maybe you would’ve been brave enough to stay, if I had been brave enough to ask you.
If I had believed myself to be somebody worth staying for.
But I didn’t, not at that time.
and I ruined myself for so many others that weren’t worth it.
Being broken does not make you better.
You do not become a kinder person if people have hurt you in the past.
You do not become a cardboard box of damaged goods soaking in the rain.
You become what you need to, but you are not broken. You are not damaged.
Your heart is allowed to hurt.  You’re allowed to have feelings.
You are allowed to become what you need, but you are never allowed to call yourself something you are far from being.
I don’t want to know where you’ve been or where you’re going.
I know I won’t be there and you’ll be on your own.
it won’t be me.
because no matter how many years pass, I’ll never date the same person twice.
I’ve made the same mistakes over and over, but you won’t be one of them.

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write.
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