January 14, 2012. 1.32 pm

I found my journal from 2012, and this entry really takes the cake.
I don’t think it’s fair to all the lovely people on the internet for me to keep this to myself any longer.  After coming across this glorious craigslist ad posted below, I created a (mock) one of my own.  You’re all welcome for 18 year-old Brigit’s journal entry from January 14, 2012:

the ULTIMATE craigslist ad.

I’m not this picky.  I just get physically ill at the idea of dating a guy with a PC.
Or cats.
Or the entire set of twilight books.
preface: If you are an alien (Commander Spock), a college professor (here’s looking at you, Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr.), or possess any sort of super hero or magical talent/power (being an excellent beer pong player does not count, though extra points are rewarded), you can pass go AND collect $100. If you have a smile filled with boyish charm, you get an automatic +20 points.
the rest of you “commoners” may proceed…

  • Must have a Mac. No PCs allowed.  Let’s face it: studies show that most PC users frequent “To Catch A Predator.”  If you knowingly use a Dell, there’s a good chance you are knowingly a child molester.
  • It’d be nice if you are tall.  Six foot minimum. No Maximum.  If you tend to hit your head on door frames, please call my direct line for further evaluation.
    Midgets: keep walking.
  • Red heads are appreciated.  There’s nothing better than a soulless, sun-poison prone redhead.  I also accept brunettes.  I am aware that gingers are pretty rare.  I am also well aware that attractive gingers are pretty much nonexistent. (Carrot Top is an excellent example of their usual features.)  So, until someone more attractive than Rupert Grint comes around, I’ll settle for a brunette.
  • Now, because I am rational, I won’t limit myself, buuuuuuuut shaggy hair is a must. I don’t want to date Mr. Clean, and if you shaved your head for any other reason besides losing a bet, chances are you’ve memorized the entire Nickleback/Hinder/Creed/Staind discography.
    No thank you.
  • Must not have a psycho ex-girlfriend.  I refuse to get myself involved with weirdo dudes with ex-girlfriends that WON’T. GO. AWAY.  This girl is always ugly, unintelligent, boring, and all around shitty. (Oh, did I mention CRAZY?)  She’s usually good to make fun of for a hot second, but then you need to rape wash your eyes after examining.  This means no threatening to commit suicide, no death threats to him (or me, honestly it’s getting old), no calling five hundred times in a row, and dear God, NO crying YouTube videos.
  • Everyone knows I love musicians.  Playing banjo absolutely counts.  Playing a bagpipe absolutely does not.  Things that also do not count are you showing me your “sweet” acoustic guitar and then following through with your rendition of “All the Small Things.”  I surround myself with those who will inspire me both artistically and mentally, and your Burger King drive through skills don’t really do it for me.
  • MUST be a dog person or rabbit person.  NO. CATS.  Dudes who like cats fall into the same category as dudes that have a PC.  Chances are it’s what you use to lure twelve year old girls to your house.
    Snoop Dog says, “cats judge people.”
    Well, Brigit says, “I judge people with cats.”
    Also, the love of dogs must include, and be limited to: pugs, bulldogs, French bulldogs, English bulldogs, Boston Terriers, etcetera.. Don’t get me wrong, I like the fluffy little shits, but smushy faced dogs reign supreme.  The only exceptions are the Husky, Shepard, and Greyhound, those beautiful, beautiful creatures.
  • Must love rollercoasters.  If you’re afraid of rollercoasters, besides being completely irrelevant to the real world, you are a straight up pussy and will NOT wear the pants in the relationship.  If you go to Disney World and get a thrill from riding the teacups, you are a flat out douche with a side of bag.  NEXT.
  • Must love sushi.  If you don’t like sushi, you are a weirdo and probably haven’t eaten the good stuff.  There’s a reason sushi is expensive, it’s freakin’ delicious.
  • I’m a vegetarian.  Respect that.  No, you won’t make a bet with me that you’ll talk me into eating meat.  Buddy, I don’t care what you think, and I don’t care if you eat meat.  Just be respectful or I’ll constantly tell you what’s really in those hotdogs.
  • Politics.  I don’t want to go into this one, because it’ll end up being a long rant.  However briefly – I am a strong Democrat, and to save the sake of both our lives, I would prefer to date a fellow donkey.  If you thought Sarah Palin was a VPILF, Obama wasn’t born in the US, and that rights aren’t important, I will probably consider you to be unintelligent and disregard the fact you exist.  Let’s face it, political views are rooted in your morals and values, so if we aren’t on the same page with that, we might as well throw up the white flag before we start.
  • The biggest one: NO. MORONS.  I swear to God.  I literally die on the inside when you use “b” instead of “be”, “r” instead of “are”, “u” instead of “you”, and so on.  No, it’s not because you’re “lazy”, it’s not because you’re “artsy”, it’s because you’re a moronic fucking peon who must have been drunk during grammar lessons in second grade.  Further, if you honestly don’t know when to use “your/you’re” or “there/their/they’re” properly, please refrain from talking to me ever again.
    We can no longer communicate.
    Instead, use your new free time to reevaluate your existence on this planet.  You are a shame to human beings, you incompetent douchebag.

oh, and a personal pet peeve:
Learn how to spell the words “definitely” and “ridiculous” correctly.  JUST DO IT, BITCH.

Not too terribly difficult, right?
I know you’re out there Harrison Ford, I know it!

And that’s the kind of savage lil, fresh outta high school, bb Brigit was.
still is, honestly. 


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