ten things i should have learned sooner

i. do not cross the universe for someone who won’t get out of bed for you.  a pretty face and nice words can be toxic and you will lose yourself between their lips, but listen to your hands shaking when they kiss you.  listen to your heart screaming into your chest.  they are telling you to run.

ii. highschool feels a lot like drowning and you will spend more days coughing water from your lungs than keeping your head above the surface.  this is okay.  it is okay to feel like your hands are too tired to keep you afloat.  it is okay to hold your breath and it is okay to let the waves drag you along.  it is not okay to let them hold you down.  it is not okay to swallow the ocean.  i know you’ve never been a strong swimmer but you’ll reach the shoreline, i promise.

iii. you will learn a lot about losing people while you are trying to find yourself.  people are not your medicine; no one will try to fix you.  you will be alone in a room full of familiar faces and you will still be okay.  your best friend will replace you with a pack of cigarettes and boys and your first love will forget to love you back.
forgive them. do not hold onto them.
let them go.

iv. stop wasting time trying to leave a mark on someone’s life.  chances are, if you’re meant to be something important to them, you do not need to prove your worth.  do not pretend you like their taste in music if it makes you cringe.  do not pretend you know what it feels like to live under their skin until you have crawled all the way down to their soul.  do not pretend you are something more than what you are. do not pretend you are anything less.  you are a walking galaxy and you do not need to prove your existence.

v. think of death, but do not think of dying.
think of life after death, but do not think of quick ways to get there.  i know you carry bullets in your teeth, i know your blood burns like alcohol when you’re too sad to speak, i know you’ve mastered self-destruction behind pink cheeks and white smiles, and i know you are tearing yourself apart from the inside out.  you are a monument and soon enough your body will crumble from all its missing pieces.
do not wait long enough for that to happen.  think of death but do not think of dying.
think of ways to kill your sadness without killing yourself first.

vi. you know that you love him more than he ever will love you and yet you let him kiss you like you are his entire world; this is where you go wrong.  do not settle for someone who has to force themselves to see the stars in your eyes.  do not settle for hands searching for your waist while they should be searching for your heart.  do not settle for anything less than what you deserve, and trust me when I tell you that you deserve a lot more than someone who only loves you when he needs you.

vii. do not hate him for this.
he is just another human being who likes to drink too much coffee and finds it hard to love anyone but himself.  do not play the victim, do not turn him into your killer.  he doesn’t know what he wants and neither do you.  he has strong hands and loves to touch your skin.  do not let him break apart your bones.
he will try.
do not hate him for this. do not forgive him either.
walk away and do not think twice. do not let him sink into you.

viii. hot showers will teach you a lot about how long it takes to wash someone off your skin.  you will understand what it feels like to claw at your own flesh.  no matter how hard you scrub, your bones will feel heavy with an emptiness you cannot get rid of.  do not crack your veins in an attempt to bleed it out because the only thing you will bleed out is more of yourself. teach your body to grow beautiful things. learn about the beauty of your flesh when it is not bruised or scarred, and learn about the beauty of your flesh when it is.

ix. you will kiss him like you are trying to swallow the sun.  he will burn your lips and set your throat on fire but you will not pull away.  you will learn a lot about love, but you will learn a lot more about pain.  you will tell yourself loving him is worth the burn marks you taste on your tongue.  he will kiss you long and he will kiss you hard and he will leave you when you are burnt to the core.
months later you will still cough ashes at the mention of his name.
it is not the end of the world.
you should have known better than to let a wildfire touch you.

x. sadness is greedy and it will eat you whole and spit you back out and your body will feel a lot like a decaying corpse.  no one else can taste death in your mouth but yourself. no one else will notice how your chest tightens and your breath cuts off. do not expect them to carry you when you are shaking too much to walk straight.
be your own hero and crawl if you have to.
do not let it digest you

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

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