this isn’t like the last time.

The truth is, this isn’t like the last time.

I look at you and suddenly I want to be rooftops at sunset and empty classrooms and the way early September tastes on your lips.
but the sky hasn’t stopped crying for the past few days, and whatever words I could say slip into fog, and I’m scared of pulling my eyes away from yours and feeling you disappear again.
I want to kiss you, but I think I’ve cracked my lips against the teeth of open mouthed hungry boys while I was waiting for you to love me back.  If I ever press my lips onto yours again, you’ll drown in the echo of the sound my heart made when you left three months ago because I haven’t yet taught it to be quiet, and it screams against my chest whenever you’re around.

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

quiet convos

ED: you'll lose weight.
Me: i'll lose myself.
ED: you'll gain control.
Me: i'll lose control.
ED: you'll be skinny.
Me: i'll be sick.
ED: you'll be confident, so many more people will like you.
Me: i'll push everyone away.
ED: you can finally wear that little black dress.
Me: i'll be insecure and hide in baggy jumpers, sweats, anything.
ED: you'll socialize.
Me: people will worry more and I'll lie, constantly saying, "I'm fine."
ED: you'll feel better
Me: i'll feel weak and tired.
ED: you'll reach your goal weight
Me: i'll never exist.
ED: you'll be great.
Me: i'll be dying.

there are so many days I have this fight with myself.
it’s never an easy battle, but for the past four years, I’ve won.
for six years, I lost.  That’s a quarter of my entire life, but I refuse to say that I “suffer” from an eating disorder.
Nobody forced me to have one.
Not the history of them in my family, not the media, not my peers.
It wasn’t something I set out to develop, but I clearly didn’t turn it away when it did.
It has taken many forms.
There are times when I had been heavier, and times when I’ve been lighter, but it has never gone away.  The thing is, when this happened, everyone asked me what caused it.
I’d say, “I don’t know”, knowing full well what it was.
Here’s the thing: it is literally SO EASY to hide eating disorders.
I did it consistently for six years.
My family that I lived with DIDN’T KNOW.
My boyfriend of two years that I’d spend nearly every day with DIDN’T KNOW.
My coworkers that would eat with me on my lunch break DIDN’T KNOW.
You can eat completely normal while you are with others, but still practice destructive behaviors when you’re alone.
I knew all the while it was dangerous, but it’s easy to dismiss the danger when you can’t actually see all the damage being done.
I may be underweight, but I am by no means “scary thin”.
Eating disorders cannot be measured by weight; they don’t always makes you “skinny”.  However, they will always destroy the actual function of your body.
My life expectancy has been significantly decreased, and there’s no way around that.
There’s no “redo” button.
There’s no reversing the damage I have already caused.
I already have a heart murmur, not to mention any other damage done to my heart.  I may die relatively young from this damage, and it is from nothing other than this.
All I’m trying to say is: it’s serious, even if you can’t see it with your own eyes.

i was disappearing

i am edges where i am supposed to be curves.
no one ever taught me how to flaunt hipbones under red dresses.
i am blue veins running highways along my chest and too much soul for such little skin to wrap around.

i am spines that arch like mountains, cutting through earth and dragging their weight around my shoulders.
i am thighs that fall in valleys that never learned to touch the right way, and i wanted to carve at their edges with my claws.

i am teeth that love to bite but never swallow.
i am hands that learned to clutch bathroom tiles like a lifeline.
i was holding myself by the space my waist takes up and darling:
i was disappearing.

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

don’t dream it’s over

let’s start off with a few nights ago when I saw Wonder Woman and it was so bad ass and wonderful and great and I want to be an amazon woman, but this will clearly never happen because I’m only 5’4″ and that’s okay.
Also, also, my favourite story of the gods will always be Orpheus and his love for Eurydice, but it is sadly, so very underrated.

okay, now onto the important shit. stuff. sorry mom.
so, as you know, I’ve had to put off working my new PT job at the mental health center due to some schooling/scheduling conflicts.
Well, as of 7.26 PM tonight, I will be starting July 17, 2017 and I am so immensely excited.

So, new beginnings in June.
new job in July.
new schooling in August.

I am over my head, and I cannot wait to see where all of this leads me.
I gotta say, this past week has been what dreams are made of, and I’m completely content with all of it.  Well, minus some meth addict trying to fight me in the airport parking lot, but you can’t win them all, amIrite?

but I don’t love him anymore.

You are screaming: “but I don’t love him anymore”
and before you know it, he is crashing hurricanes in your lap again.
just like he did six months ago.
like he did on his brother’s couch.
and he kisses you and you let him.
and your mouth is chewing questions you can’t swallow:

– why he turned himself ghost
– why he turned himself corpse
– why he turned himself casualty

this rogue thing, teeth bared, claws out.
digging into everything that ever showed him love.

– fragments