you’ll lose everything to this disorder

Your body is a canvas of color.
don’t let it bruise with self hatred or fade away with sadness.
Your soft skin has turned blue from open wounds and your ribs have marked hues along your fragile covering.

Your body is a canvas of color.
don’t let it shrink into heavy bones or wither into empty pages.
Your skin has melted away and hangs loose along your spine and your pale eyes have snatched away the beauty of your face.

 

ten things i should have learned sooner

i. do not cross the universe for someone who won’t get out of bed for you.  a pretty face and nice words can be toxic and you will lose yourself between their lips, but listen to your hands shaking when they kiss you.  listen to your heart screaming into your chest.  they are telling you to run.

ii. highschool feels a lot like drowning and you will spend more days coughing water from your lungs than keeping your head above the surface.  this is okay.  it is okay to feel like your hands are too tired to keep you afloat.  it is okay to hold your breath and it is okay to let the waves drag you along.  it is not okay to let them hold you down.  it is not okay to swallow the ocean.  i know you’ve never been a strong swimmer but you’ll reach the shoreline, i promise.

iii. you will learn a lot about losing people while you are trying to find yourself.  people are not your medicine; no one will try to fix you.  you will be alone in a room full of familiar faces and you will still be okay.  your best friend will replace you with a pack of cigarettes and boys and your first love will forget to love you back.
forgive them. do not hold onto them.
let them go.

iv. stop wasting time trying to leave a mark on someone’s life.  chances are, if you’re meant to be something important to them, you do not need to prove your worth.  do not pretend you like their taste in music if it makes you cringe.  do not pretend you know what it feels like to live under their skin until you have crawled all the way down to their soul.  do not pretend you are something more than what you are. do not pretend you are anything less.  you are a walking galaxy and you do not need to prove your existence.

v. think of death, but do not think of dying.
think of life after death, but do not think of quick ways to get there.  i know you carry bullets in your teeth, i know your blood burns like alcohol when you’re too sad to speak, i know you’ve mastered self-destruction behind pink cheeks and white smiles, and i know you are tearing yourself apart from the inside out.  you are a monument and soon enough your body will crumble from all its missing pieces.
do not wait long enough for that to happen.  think of death but do not think of dying.
think of ways to kill your sadness without killing yourself first.

vi. you know that you love him more than he ever will love you and yet you let him kiss you like you are his entire world; this is where you go wrong.  do not settle for someone who has to force themselves to see the stars in your eyes.  do not settle for hands searching for your waist while they should be searching for your heart.  do not settle for anything less than what you deserve, and trust me when I tell you that you deserve a lot more than someone who only loves you when he needs you.

vii. do not hate him for this.
he is just another human being who likes to drink too much coffee and finds it hard to love anyone but himself.  do not play the victim, do not turn him into your killer.  he doesn’t know what he wants and neither do you.  he has strong hands and loves to touch your skin.  do not let him break apart your bones.
he will try.
do not hate him for this. do not forgive him either.
walk away and do not think twice. do not let him sink into you.

viii. hot showers will teach you a lot about how long it takes to wash someone off your skin.  you will understand what it feels like to claw at your own flesh.  no matter how hard you scrub, your bones will feel heavy with an emptiness you cannot get rid of.  do not crack your veins in an attempt to bleed it out because the only thing you will bleed out is more of yourself. teach your body to grow beautiful things. learn about the beauty of your flesh when it is not bruised or scarred, and learn about the beauty of your flesh when it is.

ix. you will kiss him like you are trying to swallow the sun.  he will burn your lips and set your throat on fire but you will not pull away.  you will learn a lot about love, but you will learn a lot more about pain.  you will tell yourself loving him is worth the burn marks you taste on your tongue.  he will kiss you long and he will kiss you hard and he will leave you when you are burnt to the core.
months later you will still cough ashes at the mention of his name.
it is not the end of the world.
you should have known better than to let a wildfire touch you.

x. sadness is greedy and it will eat you whole and spit you back out and your body will feel a lot like a decaying corpse.  no one else can taste death in your mouth but yourself. no one else will notice how your chest tightens and your breath cuts off. do not expect them to carry you when you are shaking too much to walk straight.
be your own hero and crawl if you have to.
do not let it digest you

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

if hating yourself was at all beneficial, it would have helped by now.

we often take mental illness and put it in a neat little bow.
we see black and white photos of attractive people crying and pouring out their soul in a romanticised way.
poor mental health isn’t just tears and running mascara.
it’s not crying because the boy you like doesn’t like you back.
it’s not summertime sadness.
sometimes it’s not being able to wash your pots and pans, leaving your laundry sprawled on your bed because it’s just too hard, and getting out of bed to do housework isn’t exactly on the top of your list.
sometimes it’s not bathing for weeks, or brushing your teeth.
sometimes it’s forgetting to take your meds and wishing you could die in a way that wouldn’t hurt your family.
sometimes it’s starving or overeating.
sometimes it’s insomnia or over sleeping.
sometimes it’s not moving unless absolutely necessary.
sometimes it’s being cruel or rude or impatient.
sometimes it’s wanting to be someone else less disgusting/jealous/worthless.
sometimes it’s dodging important calls and not paying attention to your bank balance hitting the peak of overdraft.

I could write a long-winded motivational message for this, but in all honesty, it’s a struggle.  Something I’ve always hated are the “it gets better” messages with gorgeous celebrities trying to convince you that it’s just a phase.
It doesn’t get better.
I mean, sometimes, yes, but with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, any mental illness; you will still struggle.
You will still have moments when you want to give up because everything seems impossible.  You will be terrified that you won’t be strong enough to keep fighting.  One thing that does “get better” is the way you handle things.  It’s not a phase.  It’s a mental illness, but it doesn’t need to consume you.
You’ll grow, and learn, and find out what your weakness and strengths are.  You’ll learn how to use your strengths, and what’s more, you’ll learn how to use your weaknesses to help others, and even yourself.
If you ever feel alone, low, helpless, hopeless, whatever it may be; you’re not.
you may feel like everything is wrong and nothing works and you have no future.
Wrong.
you are not defined by your mental illness.
Your mental illness does not own you; it never did and it never will.

the world has more in store for you than the pain you’re feeling right now.

friends can break your heart too

“I know you better than you know yourself,” he says, with his hair in his eyes and head in the air.
he’ll tell you all your favorite colors; how teal makes you feel soft and warm and how yellow makes you want to run.  he’ll tell you how you love the sky most when it’s anything but blue, when it’s all pink and orange and streaks of white.

you’re 17 and he knows all your thoughts; sings along to all the songs you love even though he hates them. he knows what you want to say before you think it; answers people when they ask how you are. stares right into your eyes and says he gets lost in them; he’ll never find his way back out.

you’re 18 and he shows up at your door when you haven’t eaten for a week.
you sit in silence and it feels like home. he stays past midnight, watches movies and watches you falling asleep on the couch next to him. people think you’re in love and you laugh it off. You’ll fall asleep on his chest, listening to his heart beat fast.

you’re 19 and you fall asleep to his breath; waves crashing into shores on the other side of the phone. it’s 3am and there’s no one you’d rather talk to. it’s 3am and you love him. except you don’t.

you’re 20 and you walk past each other like playing a game of hide and seek where no one wants to find the other. he talks like someone else now, carries someone else’s words in his throat when he speaks. he doesn’t ask how you are; his eyes don’t even meet yours now. you love him, but you don’t. you tried to fall in love with each other and that’s all it took to tear you apart; ripping you right at the edges.

he knew you better than you knew yourself, but you don’t even recognize him anymore.

– Excerpt from a Book I’ll never write

baby there’s a shark in the water

good morning, lovelies.
I’m starting my new job today, and I am absolutely terrified.
okay, I’m more afraid than normal.
I’m afraid that I’ll be a complete failure at this job.
I’m afraid I’ll be terrible at this job and won’t know how to do it properly.
I’m afraid I’ll ask a stupid question and they’ll fire me because I’m not the person they thought.
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help.
what if I’m not making a difference?
what if I’m not a good person?

I shouldn’t be afraid of failure, because I fail at things on the daily.
I’m not graceful, I can’t dance, I’ll never be able to reach the top shelf in the cabinet, my singing was described as “you should have your own children’s CD.”, I can’t figure out how to win level 426 on Dots, and a multitude of other failures that I don’t even know where to begin.
I literally fail all the time, but this is different.
This is the one thing I truly want, my dream job for the moment.
No, a stepping stone, the first stepping stone, to my dream job.
(Also, this is not the “one thing” I truly want, but career-wise, ya know..)

honestly, I’m just scared.
loving G has reassured me that I’m just overthinking everything, and he’s probably right.
he almost always is.
he has also reassured me that they wouldn’t have hired me if I weren’t capable of doing this job. I’m literally filled with so much love and gratitude because of the wonderful people in my life, and it’s a new feeling/experience.
I’m afraid, but I also know that I don’t have to be alone in this endeavor.

SO: I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be scared.
it’s okay to worry.
it’s okay that I feel the world is too much for me at the moment.
it’s okay to feel what you need and work through it.
it’s okay to stick your hands up and ask/accept help.

you can’t have have your shit together all the time, and that’s okay.
what’s not okay is being so afraid to try, that you give up before you could fail.
don’t sabotage happiness because of fear.

hand picked memories, and all the things they lack

you remember some moments more vividly than others:

you don’t remember anything about your first kiss or how happy it made you feel, but you do remember that it wasn’t sexy or hot or cute, and that it pressed itself on your lips so hard all you could taste was blood after.

you don’t remember how you ended up in the hospital, but you woke up with only a doctor asking you to repeat your answers because you kept losing consciousness.  you remember the streetlights and the hiding half-moon between the clouds and how you thought it looked like the face of a frightened child and how you never looked at where your feet were going as you ran.

you don’t remember how he broke your heart, or how you even found your way back to your house when he was gone, but you remember how you turned your bed into a coffin and how you lay there for months hoping he’d walk right back in, and you always kept the door unlocked.

you don’t remember how he found his way back into your life again, but you remember how your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck without you asking and how you held him so close you thought you had the same skin, and you never wanted to let him go again.
but you did.

– excerpt from a book I’ll never write

let’s get real

about eating disorder recovery for a minute.

For reference, I’m 5’4.5″ (I won’t post weights for the obvious and not so obvious reasons.) On the left I was near my lowest weight and I always felt like shit.
On the right, well, I still feel like shit some days, but definitely not as much.
I’m surely healthier now, but that mentality isn’t something that will ever fully go away.

Do I look like I’ve gained 15-20 pounds?
Probably; I have boobs, I have an ass, and my thighs that I had been so self conscious of all those years are clearly bigger.

Do I feel like I’ve gained 15-20 pounds?
Yes, but I also know it was necessary.

The thing is, not many people see this huge difference that I see.
Sure, people can tell, but can they tell how many pounds I was obsessed over?
Doubt it.
No one cares what your body looks like as nearly as much as you do.

Scales are stupid. Eating disorders are stupider.