sometimes I repress my feelings, a lot.
obviously not on this blog, but in person.
As G and I were lying in bed one day, I had been upset with him and didn’t bother telling him why. Finally, he asked if I wanted to talk about it.
of course I didn’t, so I said no.
To which he replied, “oh yeah, just hold it in until later and you get mad and be mean to me.” and I was like, “yup.”
but then, something magical happened.
we talked about it. And I realise that a plethora of my former relationships had been abusive. No, I didn’t wear the scars or bruises, because it was emotionally abusive.
It’s hard to realise that you’re in an abusive relationship when it’s small things and snide comments that don’t really mean anything, but they do.
I cannot express how much I love G, and how much I truly appreciate him for never gaslighting me or telling me I’m overreacting; not once has he ever told me I’m fat/ugly/annoying/obnoxious, whatever it may be.
I’ve also realized that those with emotional abuse, well, we love a little differently:
We hold our distance a little longer than most people do.
We don’t want to mess anything up, so we’ll keep you at arms length so that we don’t get too close.
We play it close to the chest.
after being hurt so many times, opening up freely is a little, well, difficult. We don’t like making ourselves an open target, exposing ourselves or being completely vulnerable. sometimes it’s best if we keep things to ourselves.
We take it slow.
not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. it’s hard not to proceed with caution.
We’re overly suspicious.
when you’re with someone that constantly puts you down over and over again, it’s hard not to believe that you’re worthless, or question why anyone would want to be with you. It’s not that we don’t believe you like us, we’re just unsure of what’s appealing or lovable about us.
We’re hesitant about getting to know people in your life.
When you meet family and friends, it means things are getting a little more serious. Your lives are becoming intertwined and that’s just scary.
We show affection, on our own terms.
When you cuddle up to us and we freeze, it’s because affection had been so minimal, we have to get use to it again.
We assume the worst, but hope for the best.
When scorned by the one you love, it’s hard not to build a wall around your heart, protecting it with all you have. It’s easy to be guarded, protective, and hesitant. We know that we’ve been hurt, and expect that things won’t last and we’ll be hurt again if we’re not careful.
Of course we hope things won’t be like the past, but we do assume the worst. It’s a coping mechanism, and it sometimes hurts us more than helps us.
So thank you, past relationships for always being shitty and fucking me over with my future.