I wish I could be more.
I’ve been feeling very poorly about myself lately. I know it’s the depression creeping back in, making me feel as if my family doesn’t care for me, and G is probably annoyed with all the time we spend together. I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt as if the nights just drag on, because I’m just a boring person that no one would really choose to be with.
Because I keep having ridiculously vivid, shitty dreams, I’ve had a knot in my stomach for 79 hours that kept me from eating. Every time I tried, I threw up. Finally, I was hungry. Except when I went to get some fries from Ronald’s (because I deserved them) they were closed. So did I really deserve to eat? Was this a sign from the universe that I should just give up?
Yes. I did. And no I shouldn’t.
I’m sure this feeling will pass, as all things do, but until then, I’ll spend my nights crying myself to sleep and my days waking up angry.
today I was feeling a little overwhelmed by everything I needed to do for university. I am taking the same amount of hours as last semester, and the course load seemed like it would be lighter.
I wrote down every assignment due from now until the end of the semester on my calendar. and then I stared at my calendar rather than doing the work. I didn’t know where to begin. I couldn’t do it.
G asked me why I was so grumpy and upset today, and I told him, “I was so excited to start school, and now I’m just ready to die.”
while he couldn’t help me fix anything, he just hugged me, and that’s exactly what I needed.
I later went to do the work, and it turns out, it’s not actually hard. It’s just time consuming. in the past, I would have given up completely, not even attempting to do the course load, but I didn’t. Okay, so I avoided the work until I felt ready, but I didn’t give up.
I didn’t stop going to class, ignoring my teachers emails, or failing the courses.
i’ve grown and i’m still growing.
i have a wonderful, understanding, phenomenal support system and i cannot wait for the future.
Every year I start fresh by saying, “new year, no fear.”
I’ve said that for the past seven years, and it has never been more false. Each year that comes along brings more fear than I could ever imagine.
2017, you have been the biggest rollercoaster for me. I was the lowest and most depressed I have ever been. I was put on new medication for stress, anxiety, depression, and stress induced nausea/vomiting. I was finally put on medication that finally worked for me, and then taken off because I couldn’t remember how I would get home. (I drove, fyi. And no, I was sober.)
I was getting near my lowest weight again, and struggling with non-cognitive anorexia, fluctuating between weights for a long time.
Except for the past six months. These past six months, I have been the happiest I have ever been and finally being healthy.
I have known of you for a long time, I’ve adored your personality for just as long, but having the chance to really get to know you has been the most beautiful, incredible journey.
You’ve taught me about self-care and self-love, showing me that by loving myself I can love you all the much better. You have taught me that no matter how much I want to help others, I must fill my cup first, because I can’t spew love from an empty glass. You have taught me that I don’t need the relationship approval of the media, but I only need our happiness, and more so, you can’t help fix it if I don’t tell you what’s wrong.
You have altered my outlook on life, supported me throughout the year, and have grown with me. I look forward to 2018, wherever it will take us.
In my life, i love you more.
Happy Christmas everyone.
The past few days have made my heart feel so full. Family dinners with G’s family, gift exchanges, just existing in the same space as he is, it’s all been lovely.
Right now, he’s playing hearthstone and I’m finishing up knitting a scarf for his mom, and it’s just nice.
We exchanged gifts yesterday, and as always, he’s outdone himself. He got me a new curling iron/flat iron since mine broke, and books, which I always want.
Here’s a little snippet of his clever little mind. My heart is so full.
“together we will create a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls so hard that the foundation rocks and cracks. our home will be gentle, it will be warm. i will keep you safe and you will keep me still. no fear, no hurt, no worry. we come from broken and twisted places but together we will build something whole and safe. we will curl around each other like a pair of quotation marks at night, warm and comforted. in the mornings, you’ll sing in the shower again. we will heal, and we will raise a family that doesn’t need to heal.”
I had written a long rant about feminism and Barbie, about how much I hate today’s feminists because they no longer stand for what they once believed in, that their definition of equality is the systematic oppression of men and their rights, but I realise that will get in me a lot of trouble. With the internet, with women, with.. everyone basically.
the other day, I got into this “argument” with a girl I use to be friends with.
I tweeted that girls need to stop using “feminism” as an excuse to post half naked selfies. If you’re going to post a half naked selfie, just post the selfie and fucking own it, because honestly, you’re not posting it for feminism.
The girl became upset (I assume because she probably posts half naked selfies and goes on “feminist” rants.) and told me that since I’m going to be a social worker, I’m going to need to “stop bashing her on everything and reevaluate how I’m handling things.”
This really upset me, because this girl is going to school for social work as well. This girl voted for Trump, had me help her write her papers, had me write her resume for her, and this girl is telling me how I need to be handling things?
I started crying, and G asked me what was wrong. Instinctively I said nothing, and he called me a terrible liar. I was upset over this, (the argument, not the liar part) and even though I had “won” this argument, it still made me believe that I’m going to be a terrible social worker and that I’m basically going to amount to nothing, because I already second guess myself daily. For this Trump supporting feminist to tell me that I need to reevaluate how I do things, well, to me, that just solidified the fact that I’m a failure.
I was upset because at first, G didn’t say anything comforting. He didn’t say anything at all. He got ready for work as I thought about this conversation, trying to pick out all the things I did right, which was almost impossible.
He asked what I wanted, and I guess I wanted him to be on my side. I wanted him to say something petty like, “for someone that’s telling you how to be a social worker, maybe she shouldn’t have “fuck” in every other sentence” or “i like that you said you didn’t need to explain yourself” or something. anything.
I also told him that I realise that guys don’t get into petty arguments over things like this, because guys just don’t. (At least I don’t see that occurring, but maybe it’s a secret guy thing.) As he’s leaving for work, I told him it was okay, because he probably didn’t know how to comfort me in this situation, and I think that may have hurt his feelings.
In this instance, I just wanted to talk to my mom and cry and drop out of school. I wanted her to tell me that this fake feminist wasn’t shit and that the only reason she even made it this far in university is because I did her homework for her. I don’t know what I really wanted, but I just wanted someone to be mean to this girl who had broken me down for the last time.
After G left for work and I headed home, I got a text from G saying:
“like Tywin Lannister said, “A lion doesn’t concern themselves with the opinion of the sheep.”
And I immediately started crying, again, because in the end, he knew exactly how to comfort me. This single text was exactly what I needed, and this was honestly the longest round about way for me to get to my point:
I cannot explain how much I appreciate G, because he has helped me heal. He has loved me despite my past, despite my flaws, my depression, my moods, my jealousy, my insecurities, everything. Through it all, he has been supportive, and loving, and kind.
He has done more for me than I could ever thank him for, and I can only hope I have done half as much for him as he has for me.
He keeps me safe and still.
Recently my older sister has acquired a boyfriend.
I’m extremely happy for her, because in previous years she has gotten on my nerves because I was the only sister she would talk to, so I would get annoyed with the constant texts and questioning of where I am. I’m so happy she now has a boyfriend to talk to for 12 hours a day instead of me.
I’ve also noticed that I’ve become increasingly annoyed because she is in the “fan girling” stage of her relationship, and while that’s excellent for her, I’m questioning whether I’m annoyed or if I’m jealous.
I mean, I don’t think I’m jealous, because while I don’t fan girl, nor have I really ever fan girl-ed over G, I never felt the need to. However, it’s small things that make me question my own relationship. Are we really in a relationship if it’s not Facebook official? I mean, I don’t have Facebook, and I’m not about to get Facebook just so the internet can feel satisfied that another relationship has been validated by strangers that we never speak to.
I know in previous relationships I needed my boyfriend to post photos of us, I needed him to make me his #WCW, I needed all of that validation, because I was insecure and if he wasn’t posting about me, he didn’t care.
G has proven to me time and again, he isn’t huge on the whole social media relationship shit, and that’s fine. He wouldn’t even have Facebook if it weren’t for his job using it for scheduling. While we both have twitter and instagram, I find that we have very few photos together. We have a few together from holidays, like Halloween and Thanksgiving; and we have the occasional “let’s take a cute photo together” and he’s flipping me off. (which is fine, because there’s nothing he could do that would make me love him less. Well, within reason. hah.)
Anyway, I found myself feeling down about this last night while waiting for G to come home from work because he doesn’t “like” my photos or text me sweet things, he doesn’t have my name in his twitter profile (which honestly I don’t really like anyway so that’s fine) and he doesn’t post photos of us. This morning as he’s running his fingers through my hair and kissing my forehead, I realized that I don’t need validation from anyone or anything. I don’t even necessarily need photos of us. (while I do like making them my phone background, it’s not a life or death requirement. just another silly validation you’re forced to believe.)
What’s more is that these photos aren’t who I’m in a relationship with.
The internet isn’t the one who bought a lamp so I could read without having to turn on the overhead light and wake them up.
These photos aren’t the one who has a drawer full of random drinks in the fridge because I got a craving for Coca-Cola ONE time and now there’s always sprite and coke, and the blue gatorade that I love even though G likes blue powerade.
Those photos don’t scratch my head until I fall asleep.
The internet doesn’t sporadically glance over at me and say, “hey. i love you.” while we’re playing video games, or watching a movie, or while I’m making dinner.
Those photos don’t take me to a new brewing company for a date night, and those photos don’t pay for my ticket to the movie. Those photos don’t taste test the stale chips when I ask them to, and they sure as hell don’t define whether my relationship is real or not.
So in the end, as much as I love taking photos and bragging about how great G is, I don’t need it. I don’t need him to be this perfect instagram #relationshipgoals whatever because I don’t need the validation from the internet. He is this wondrous human that holds my hair back when I throw up, keeps random drinks I might want in his fridge, scratches my head until I fall asleep, tells me how he missed me while we’re away working, and always tells me he loves me, even when he’s not saying anything.
The internet could never provide that for me, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t need it to, because G already does.