“together we will create a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls so hard that the foundation rocks and cracks. our home will be gentle, it will be warm. i will keep you safe and you will keep me still. no fear, no hurt, no worry. we come from broken and twisted places but together we will build something whole and safe. we will curl around each other like a pair of quotation marks at night, warm and comforted. in the mornings, you’ll sing in the shower again. we will heal, and we will raise a family that doesn’t need to heal.”
I had written a long rant about feminism and Barbie, about how much I hate today’s feminists because they no longer stand for what they once believed in, that their definition of equality is the systematic oppression of men and their rights, but I realise that will get in me a lot of trouble. With the internet, with women, with.. everyone basically.
the other day, I got into this “argument” with a girl I use to be friends with.
I tweeted that girls need to stop using “feminism” as an excuse to post half naked selfies. If you’re going to post a half naked selfie, just post the selfie and fucking own it, because honestly, you’re not posting it for feminism.
The girl became upset (I assume because she probably posts half naked selfies and goes on “feminist” rants.) and told me that since I’m going to be a social worker, I’m going to need to “stop bashing her on everything and reevaluate how I’m handling things.”
This really upset me, because this girl is going to school for social work as well. This girl voted for Trump, had me help her write her papers, had me write her resume for her, and this girl is telling me how I need to be handling things?
I started crying, and G asked me what was wrong. Instinctively I said nothing, and he called me a terrible liar. I was upset over this, (the argument, not the liar part) and even though I had “won” this argument, it still made me believe that I’m going to be a terrible social worker and that I’m basically going to amount to nothing, because I already second guess myself daily. For this Trump supporting feminist to tell me that I need to reevaluate how I do things, well, to me, that just solidified the fact that I’m a failure.
I was upset because at first, G didn’t say anything comforting. He didn’t say anything at all. He got ready for work as I thought about this conversation, trying to pick out all the things I did right, which was almost impossible.
He asked what I wanted, and I guess I wanted him to be on my side. I wanted him to say something petty like, “for someone that’s telling you how to be a social worker, maybe she shouldn’t have “fuck” in every other sentence” or “i like that you said you didn’t need to explain yourself” or something. anything.
I also told him that I realise that guys don’t get into petty arguments over things like this, because guys just don’t. (At least I don’t see that occurring, but maybe it’s a secret guy thing.) As he’s leaving for work, I told him it was okay, because he probably didn’t know how to comfort me in this situation, and I think that may have hurt his feelings.
In this instance, I just wanted to talk to my mom and cry and drop out of school. I wanted her to tell me that this fake feminist wasn’t shit and that the only reason she even made it this far in university is because I did her homework for her. I don’t know what I really wanted, but I just wanted someone to be mean to this girl who had broken me down for the last time.
After G left for work and I headed home, I got a text from G saying:
“like Tywin Lannister said, “A lion doesn’t concern themselves with the opinion of the sheep.”
And I immediately started crying, again, because in the end, he knew exactly how to comfort me. This single text was exactly what I needed, and this was honestly the longest round about way for me to get to my point:
I cannot explain how much I appreciate G, because he has helped me heal. He has loved me despite my past, despite my flaws, my depression, my moods, my jealousy, my insecurities, everything. Through it all, he has been supportive, and loving, and kind.
He has done more for me than I could ever thank him for, and I can only hope I have done half as much for him as he has for me.
He keeps me safe and still.